An Ode To Garter-String Knickers

Undies are pretty dang personal for most people, at least they are for women.

I mean men get catalogued as “Boxers” or “Briefs,” and the discussion is pretty much resolved at that point. However, for us gals, things are different. Lingerie is nearly always a very personal statement and most women have different types for different moods.

I can hear my pal, Laura Drake, shouting through her computer screen: “I can’t believe you think about this crap.”

Just go with me for a minute. The other day, I read Lani Wendt Young’s post about lingerie on Sleepless in Samoa, and I started thinking about underpants. (Thank you to Natalie Hartford, who included Lani in her mash-up…You see? I DO read your links. 🙂 )

Lani contended that marriage and children throw sexy undergarments right out of a marriage. She referred to thongs as “the single most annoying scrap of clothing in the entire world,” wondering “how people even walk properly with that thing on,” much less scrub the tub. Score a point for Lani.

Somehow, thongs have become a continuing theme here lately at More Cowbell. *scratching head* It all started about a month ago, when I shared this video of Sister Myotis ranting about “the thong panty, with it’s godly cotton panel. Amen!” She called the thong an “instrument of mass corruption.” (I’ve put it below, in case you missed it. I had to watch it again too. [Amen.])

Could I be getting a message from the Undie-verse? If so, I need to be paying better attention…

But back to Lani’s story in the link above. She used to buy a ton of underwear. “Used to” being the key words here. She’s spending her cash in different places now that she has kids, which is normal. One day she decides to get her sexy on with some lacey, push-up(y) underwear and before too long she’s acting like a PMSing babe jonesing for chocolate. She’s CRABBY.

First off, let me say I don’t remotely think that lacy undergarments are the keeper of the sex appeal. Sex is 90% in the brain so you’ve got to start there. But anything that makes you feel sassy is going to stimulate your inner horndog. (Quit shaking your head. You know I’m right.)

BUT. I do have to go with Lani on one point: for the most part, thongs are really not that cozy. Yes, you can buy them with “no VPL” (that’s “no visible panty lines” for those who are behind on their Thong Lingo). Blah, blah, blah.

They’re still a landing strip of stiff material stuffed up my hiney. That just isn’t my idea of Underwear Happy. Sorry, thong-lovers.

However…even though I can’t abide the lacy thong cutting off blood flow to my butt cheek, I CAN get behind a nice stretchy cotton g-string.

G-strings = Blessed-Scrap-of-Panty-Heaven (at least they do in my book).

Every woman in America should wear a g-string. That’s a direct quote from one of Nora Roberts’ books and I agree wholeheartedly. *checking off benefits with fingers*

1. They’re invisible under clothes
2. Comfortable
3. Sexy
4. And they take up almost no space in your undie drawer

The only thing a g-string can’t do for you is act like a girdle. So, all you guys reading this post? Run and tell your significant other that I said they’d love to own some g-strings. Since the name “Jenny Hansen” will likely make them go, “Say, who??” – just tell them, “Nora Roberts said so.”

Reminder: Make sure you emphasize that those g-strings need to be COTTON. Don’t go trying to slip any lacy business into my message. Lace takes away every benefit listed above, except for space saving #4.

I’m sure you can hear the love shining through, right? This is an ode after all and it’s directed toward the undies I feel especially warm  about: g-strings from Marks & Spencer in the UK.

What is a g-string, you might ask?

The “g” stands for “garter,” and the garter-string “knickers” (that’s panties for all you American women) were originally conceived to be worn under a garter belt. *click here to see my lovelies*

Tangent: My Aussie friends neglected to tell me that in Australia the terms “Banger” or “G-Banger” are interchangeable with G-string. THAT might have cleared up some confusion on a few dates back in the day…I’m just sayin…

Several years back, I traveled to London and was introduced to M&S (Marks & Sparks to the locals). It was love at first sight. Their knits are divine. My new British friends from work indulged me and went through every department, offering recommendations.

When we got to the lingerie department, they had a universal message: Get some of these knickers. After opening the package and wearing them to work the next day, I had to concede: the g-strings from Marks & Sparks are about the coziest undies I’ve ever put on my behind. (I guess in this case, I should say “on my front.”)

I’ve gotta admit, I’m due for some new undies. Anyone who’s ever been pregnant (male or female) can feel my pain when I say pregnancy just isn’t the time of underwear nirvana. When it comes to the pregnancy “drawers,” quantity is better than quality, if you know what I mean.

However, the baby is now a toddler and I’m finally in the mental place to care about what’s covering my business. With that in mind, I went searching on the Net for my beloved M&S garter-string knickers and could not find them.

I got a little panicked. I didn’t see them on the M&S website, BUT…They are being sold on eBAY.

Yeah, you heard me. eBay. For my knickers?!! There’s just something wrong with this picture. I think of eBay for used out-of-print books, used furniture, tickets to plays that others have bought…(Are you noticing a theme here??)

It can’t possibly be good to buy your undies on e-Bay…right? At present, I’m undecided and looking forward to your opinions.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever bought on eBay, or online? (And will you be able to keep a straight face when we meet some day, after having this discussion about how we cover our hineys?) Enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell!

Jenny