OMG! What Happened To the Bod??

The original idea for this post came one day a few weeks back when I had an unfortunate moment with my pre-baby jeans. Anyone over 40 has likely had such a moment, whether it was pregnancy related or not.

Those damn jeans… Just. Wouldn’t. Button.

Oy.

In a snit, I started listing snarky blog titles:

  • Tales of A$$…What are you doing back there? Stop following me!
  • A$$ Files…The Truth Jeans are out there!
  • Contemplatig My Navel…No, Really.
  • The Back Slide – What To Do When Your A$$ Falls Off a Cliff

Obviously, I scrapped those titles, deciding they were too profane, too boring and, well…bitter.

I tried to accept that I’ve just hit that life spot – that moment that comes sometime in most people’s 40’s or 50’s when their bodies don’t look or work the way they used to. That time when you (a)work damn hard to keep the current shape. OR, (b) work damn hard to get back some semblance of the old shape.

I’m not excited about scenario A or B above. And I don’t like sentences that start with “I’ve just had to accept” or any derivation thereof. They’ve got martyr written all over them.

The entire problem boils down to the fact that I don’t really like to sweat.

I like to work out when it doesn’t FEEL like working out:

  • A walk with a friend where we jabber the whole time. 
  • A kickboxing class where I whale on a bag with a picture of my old boss’ face on it. Oh, oops. Did I say that out loud?
  • An evening of shaking my bootie all over the dance floor.

I can get behind all those workouts.

I’m reminded that there are other lazy asses people who hate exercising every time I read Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels.  Stephanie’s love of birthday cake and donuts (which I don’t share) and the scenes where she can’t button her jeans (which I do share) crack me up every time.

I’m in the middle of Smokin’ Seventeen right now (awesome book!) and seeing Stephanie contemplating her zipper after a huge meal. In previous books, she would just go on a diet for a few weeks or start running with Ranger in the mornings and all would be well with her waistline. This time she has the vordo to help her work it off (another workout I can get behind [no pun intended]) and she manages to keep those jeans under control with minimal effort.

I fear those “few weeks of effort” days are behind me… I’m going to have to dig out all my old workout gear and see if it still fits and looks cute.

My fight with my weight does have an exact start date.

I had a near-death experience several years back and spent about four months in bed as a result of pulmonary embolisms (blood clots). Granted I was working from my bed, but it was a very sedentary time. My husband (who was still my boyfriend back then) would call me and say, “What are you doing?” I’d gaze forlornly down the length of me and say, “Watching my thigh grow.”

And I really was.

I gained about 30 pounds in those four months and tried not to grieve about the “new me” that took up a larger footprint in the world. With a quiver in my lip, I’d tell my girlfriend, “I can always lose weight but I can’t get un-dead. I guess I shouldn’t complain about being so fat.”

And she’d say, “You’re not fat, BooBoo. You’re just fluffy.”
[“Fluffy” made me feel much more peaceful about the situation!]

Eventually health prevailed and I got up out of the bed. I even lost a few of those pounds. But an almost-40 body is VERY different than my old almost-30 body where I could pull a Stephanie Plum and just work out for a few weeks to re-snap my jeans.

When Baby Girl came, so did another new Crazy Body Moment. Being close to your “goal weight” is a huge health bonus during pregnancy so, when I went to my first OB appointment I expected my doctor might tell me to limit my weight gain.

Boy, did he! He looked at me and said my goal during pregnancy was to gain zero to five pounds.  Yep, you heard me. I could gain anywhere between NO pounds and FIVE pounds.

At the end of 42 weeks, I came in just over the wire at 7 pounds.

Note: My hubby actually gained twelve pounds during the same time frame. Though, to his credit, he was getting to eat the other half of my meals since the baby sat so high she was like a Lap Band.

Still, that number on the scale and those stupid jeans are taunting me.  I know I’m gonna have to break down and just go sweat those pounds off at the gym.  Damn it.

What about you? Are you a fitness-a-holic or do you hate to sweat? Have you found any workouts that were so fun, you didn’t mind doing them? What suggestions do you have for “shrinking my footprint?” (I want my favorite jeans back!)

Remember, enquiring minds always want to know here at More Cowbell. I love hearing from you! To show that love, I created the Let’s Meet Up (for Training) contest. The July Winners will be announced tomorrow, so stay tuned…

Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! An extrovert who's terribly fond of silliness. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestormblog.com). Write on!
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21 Responses to OMG! What Happened To the Bod??

  1. Laura Drake says:

    Keep breathing Honey, it only gets worse. Trust me. I do like working out, but only because it let’s me shove one more thing in my mouth. Motivation to curb my eating goes out the window with stress…and who doesn’t have that?

    What the hell, I’m being cremated, so I don’t have to worry about a plus size casket – I’m gonna LIVE! Bon bons, anyone?

    Like

  2. jessicaaspen says:

    Pre-baby jeans? SHNORT! I can’t even imagine what those would look like, oh wait, I see them on those teenagers. No, I’ve given up the idea of heading for the pre-baby jeans and would just love to have on the pre-stressful job jeans. Fluffy looks good to me!
    Truthfully I have finally found workouts I like. I walk most days, which turn out to be great plotting time, and I lift weights and do the eliptical twice a week. Okay, since vacation at the all-inclusive buffet I haven’t been back. But I am going! Tommorow.

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  3. labanan says:

    Weeeeeel, I’ll be sixty this year. When I turned fifty I went into training for a marathon which I did in Dublin. It was lots of fun and I was in pretty good shape – I walked it – I’m no runner. I would say that I am not in good shape now. I’m fat. Arggh. I was such a skinny kid that I can’t get used to it. Oh, if I lost ten pounds I’d be ok. I’m really tall. But I hate the effort. I hate exercising. Hate it. I like swimming and walking and dancing but don’t do enough of it. You have to do a ton of walking or swimming to move any weight.
    I’ll think about joining you though. What should we do?
    Jan Morrison

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Kitty Bucholz did a post over on Writers In The Storm about running> The one appealing thing about it is it’s fast. I still like kickboxing the best…

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  4. Gene Lempp says:

    Up until my mid-thirties, weight was never an issue and then my overzealous metabolism said, “hey, middle age doesn’t sound so bad, let’s settle in the city of Beer Gut”. Ugh. So yeah, working out is a good thing, I have nothing against sweat when its for a good cause and what could be better than staying healthy. Three times a week, no excuses.

    Best of luck, Jen🙂

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  5. Huh. I’m still the same trouser size I always was, but Mrs Dim reckons they’re sitting lower each year to accommodate a growing belly. I find slimming down harder and harder. I used to just take a weekend off beer and move around a bit more but now….Eeek.
    What doesn’t help is Mrs Dim being so damn straight about my appearance. She does not sugar coat anything. “How am I looking?” “You’ve really put on weight. You’ve gone pudgy round the middle….” Pudgy? PUDGY? So I’m cycling to work today. And I’m off the beer. Sigh.

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Dang, dude! No beer? And “pudgy??” You’re having a rough month, my friend!

      Still, I’m soooo impressed that you get to wear the same pants. Even if we’re going to have to change your name to Homeboy Trasler if they get much lower. It’s rough having someone put the brutal into the honest about our appearance.

      Sending a big cyber beer your way…

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  6. Stacy Green says:

    I just lost 65 pounds through an amazing diet, but keeping it off requires working out, and I’m not a big fan of that. Like you, I prefer to exercise when I can pretend it’s not. I don’t like to sweat. But I force myself to get on the recumbent bike and attempt yoga because I do feel better at the end of the day.

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Wow, 65 pounds is an accomplishment! And diet DOES have the word “die” in it…I’d rather exercise. Doing both just feels like an imposition most days. I keep going back to Kristen Lamb’s Healthy Writer post…

      Like

      • Stacy Green says:

        Thanks. It was drastic for me. I went through a dietician and did the Ideal Protein Diet. Focused on protein and green veggies, very few carbs. Retrained your pancreas to process insulin. Has helped me stop my cravings, etc.

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  7. Jenny, I feel your pain. Zumba is a fun workout. You said you love to dance so it might be worth a look at if you haven’t already.

    http://www.zumba.com/en-US/about/

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Ooooh, *taking notes* Zumba…I’ll have to go find out what THAT is. It sounds like something that might do housework for me too if I program it right.🙂

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  8. Oh boy…how well do I know that feeling. I definitely need to retune the bod. Sigh. Why can’t writing burn more calories?

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  9. Oh, Jen…I’m only in my 30s, but I feel your pain! I’ve put on the pounds over the last 10 years, and it won’t come off. I do cardio just to keep it as tone as possible. Maybe I should say that I try to minimize the flab instead of keeping it tone. Just breathe – a few weeks of walking alone should get you into those jeans! Walking is great, great excerise. My workout consists of walking and riding a stationary bike. That’s it.

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  10. I’m not a fitness-holic but I do my best to move. They say that’s a way to keep yourself young so I’m doing what I can to stay that way. Not the wrinkly kind of young. The young where I don’t have to face aging diseases until I’m way past my 90’s.

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    • Jenny Hansen says:

      You just wait, Marilag. You’re gonna get “the creep” in about 10 years and remember that we had this conversation! In the meantime, I dragged my a$$ to the gym this morning.🙂

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