Undie Chronicles, Volume 24: The Jog Strap

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listenI had no idea when this began that there were so many hilarious undie-based topics to discuss.

I’ve been sitting on this Jog Strap thing for a while, if you know what I mean. Y’all know I had hip surgery in June, and I was laying too low to really trot out this strappy bundle-of-love in style.

I’m telling you, running would reach a whole new level of entertainment if the Jog Strap were a real product. Heck, I might actually run, if these were part of the standard attire. Please, Jockey, will you make these?!  Pleeeaaaassssssse!

Technically, this is an over-gizmo rather than an undie, but I do believe Jockey could burst forth with this and send sales soaring, either over or under the clothes. They haven’t picked it up (YET), so maybe they feel it’s more of a Banana Republic item…

Because the universe loves us (and NBC aired this), we’ve got video, people!

Jog Strap was brought to us by Dan Opsal, the same genius who wrote the #Hashtag skit performed by Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake. (Don’t say I didn’t deliver a smile on this fine Monday…)

I’ll be around later this week with a Dog Hip update and some major thank you’s for all of you that helped make my rehab a fun thing. All I have to say is: The More Cowbell posse rocks!

Would you wear the Jog Strap during your exercise regimen? What would we call the female equivalent? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Humor, Undie Chronicles | Tagged , , , , | 18 Comments

Did You Shake Your Booty for National Underwear Day?

I’m usually completely on top of National Underwear Dayif you know what I mean, but I am running madly behind this week. If you forgot to sling around some drawers, or streak through your neck of the woods, let this serve as a reminder to you!

Those of you who are new to More Cowbell might have missed The Undie Chronicles. The regular posse here knows: When the Undie-verse speaks, we will always listen.

We’ve highlighted everything from Christian Panties to Thunderwear here at More Cowbell. In fact, if it can be worn under your clothes, it’s a pretty safe bet we’ve covered it. My own two favorite Undie posts are linked below.

Warning: y’all might need to scrub your eyeballs after viewing.


Fave #1: Man-Style Goes to the Zoo
(honoring Dr. Seuss)


I would not, could not booty-shake
if faced with that red knitted snake.
Not in the box with a cunning fox
or in the air with the “safe sex” pair.

They do not flip my “sexy” switch.
They mostly make my eyeballs twitch.

I was on a roll that day, for sure.

Fave #2What Your Panties Say About Your Politics (co-brainstormed with Julie Glover)

Me: I’m convinced that the parsimony of material in the thong panty makes them Republican panties. Really, it’s the whole “less is more” thing.

Julie: I thought Sister Myotis calls them “Democrat Panties.”

Me: Well, she does. But I think the cotton kind that give you a lot more coverage are the Democrat Panties. I kind of go between those and Libertarian Panties myself.

Julie: Less is more? Commando?

Me: *snort*

Example of Democrat Panties... Photo by By Iflwlou拍攝 (Own work) ~ Wikimedia Commons

Example of Democrat Panties… Photo by By Iflwlou拍攝 ~ Wikimedia Commons

Did you forget all about National Underwear Day too, or were you out there buying cool underpants, advertising your cash and prizes? Which political party does your fave pair of undies represent? (p.s. You might have to read that post to answer accurately, you’ll be surprised.) Finally, do we have any New York City peeps who got out to the Fresh Pair Event? Enquiring minds LOVE to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Humor, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments

Funeral Planning in a Crazy Family Is…Different

That's my mama in between the Bag Whore and I...

That’s my mama in between the Bag Whore and I…

I’ve got my mama on my mind and, in honor of her and Jane Sadek, I had to put up this post. All of you who think I’m funny? I got it from my mama, who was way funnier.

A quick run-down about my mom, who passed away at age 65 back in January of 2004…

  • 3 words to describe her: compassionate, generous, irreverent. (Read: AWESOME)
  • My baking and gardening skills come from her.
  • She was a tall woman (6’1″) and the first female to letter in 5 sports at her high school.
  • A nurse for 43 years, she spent much of that time in Oncology.
  • Maxine cartoons remind us all of her…in our family she was known as “the Queen of the One-Liner.”

My mama was a stitch.

The night she died, we all quibbled over her Xanax stash, knowing we’d need it to get some sleep before doing all the work death involves. Any of you who’ve done this know there’s a million important details to get through when someone passes away.

My brother (the Bag Whore) and I had lots of help but some of the duties just naturally fell to us. We put my mom’s purse off for a day or so, but the time came to sort through it.

When we got to her wallet, we found all these slips of paper with beautiful quotes on friendship. Of course, I cried, so my brother patted me and kept going through all the other stuff she had tucked in there.

All of a sudden, he elbows me and says, “Sis…check this out,” and hands me a stack of bright orange cards.

“What is it?” I sniffled, not reaching to take them.

“Just read it!”

I grabbed them, looked down, and burst out laughing (language alert here). In huge bold letters, they said:

If you fuck like you park,
you’ll never get it in.

“Oh my Jesus. She has a whole stash of these things?”

“Obviously she’s putting these on people’s cars when they piss her off.” My brother snatched them back. “I could use these.”

When I spoke to the minister later that day, he asked if I’d made decisions about what to include in my mom’s service.

I was telling him about the beautiful messages we’d found in her wallet when my brother started yelling from down the hall. “Are you going to tell him what ELSE you found in her wallet??!”

I covered the phone and yelled back. “No I’m not telling him! Are you crazy?”

I ignored all the choice comments from my Bag Whore brother and got back on the phone with the minister, apologizing for how loud my brother was.

His first words were, “So, you’re not going to tell me??”

I blushed so hard, I thought I’d faint. “I’d rather not. There’s cursing involved.”

“Oh, come on… Your mom was a spicy lady. I’d love to hear.”

Obviously he missed her as much as we did, so I told him and he busted a gut laughing.

My aunts were horrified when I relayed the conversation. At the same time, they both wailed, “YOU TOLD THE MINISTER??!”

They all live in a fairly small town in mid-Missouri so I apologized and promised to mind my manners from there on out.

Then we got to the funeral parlor…

Like most of the big events in my family, we all showed up to offer support. I had aunts, uncles and cousins sitting alongside my brother and I. Plus, my mom’s best friend was there. We’d just gathered for my grandmother’s service the prior year, so we assumed the place was used to the likes of us.

Obviously, the previous funeral director hadn’t shared with the new guy that we travel in packs during times of need. He looked at all 14 of us and said he’d be back with more chairs.

Once we were all seated in a circle, with my brother and I on either side of Mr. Funeral Director, we hashed out the service (which involves a lot of people “shouting it out” when they think of it).

When we got to the end, I said, “I know it might sound kind of morbid, but if any of you would like some of her ashes, you may have them.”

My cousin, Aaron (who was an irrepressible 30 year old at the time), asked, “So how many ashes are we talking about?”

Mr. Funeral Man looked like he’d swallowed a toad. “Um…well. Uh, they come in plastic bag inside a hard plastic case about this big by this big.” And he moved his hands to demonstrate a 10 x 14 x 4 inch bag.

My brother reared back, looking completely offended. “That’s it? That’s all we get?! She was a BIG GIRL!

The room went completely silent.
The funeral director’s mouth opened and closed like a guppy.
Then the snickers started…

They spread around the room until we were all laughing so hard we couldn’t stop.

My uncle (who’d been in the restroom) came flying into the room. “You guys need to CUT IT OUT. There’s people crying and grieving out there and you’re in here laughing and carrying on.”

He turned to the funeral director and shook his hand. “Thank you for your time. We need to go.” He sent the lot of us a stern look that promised we’d be sorry if we didn’t STOP LAUGHING.

I swear, we tried. We just couldn’t stop.

We stumbled out of the funeral home, clutching our sides and gasping for breath, running for our cars so we could collapse in private. Then we all toddled off to lunch at my mom’s favorite burger joint and laughed some more.

Here’s what I know, all these years later: My mother watched us giggle our way through most of her funeral arrangements and, wherever she was, she LOVED it. I wouldn’t go back and change any of it.

Well, except for keeping her here so she could make me laugh that hard in person.

Do you guys have funerals like ours, or are you a bit more dignified? I’m looking for some family stories in the comments! Enquiring minds always  want to know these things here at More Cowbell!


Posted in Humor, Inspiration | Tagged , , , , , | 13 Comments

Dirty-Minded Signage…”If You Know What I Mean”

My PT sadists guys are loving the blog. And since they are getting me to where I can walk again, when they ask for a post I give it! In honor of the helpful crew at California Therapy Solutions, I’m re-running one of my favorite More Cowbell posts of all time. Those of you who missed it the first time deserve your Hump-Day laugh.

If you’ve read about my family’s Almost X-Rated Garage Sales and Gang-Banging Chickens, you’d know we’re just a little bit…off-center. Both sides of my family are filled with peeps who are amazing and hysterically funny. I’m one of those rare souls who LOVES family trips.

The big surprise when I visited Missouri a few years back was all the Dirty-Minded Signage. Only in the Bible Belt could people refer to monikers like this with a straight face.

You’ll see what I mean below.

I’ve gotten used to the Springfield, MO convenience stores that don’t seem to make anyone else pause.

It took me a few visits to take that place in stride.

The first time, I sat in the passenger seat while my husband pumped gas, clutching my sides, pointing at the sign and gasping for air. Maybe it was the little registered trademark symbol they include on the end (like someone’s dying to steal that logo). Maybe it was jetlag.

Then we went to Branson, where the traffic moves SO slow that you have plenty of time to really check the place out.

I was doing  fine until we passed the Rowdy Beaver. (Yeah, for real…and they have MULTIPLE LOCATIONS. The newest is on Dickson Street. I mean, what were they thinking? They couldn’t go a few blocks over to Percy or Main or wherever?)

After that, it was a free for all – we were in hysterics about everything we passed.

The God And Country Theater was across from Billy Bob’s Dairyland. The Ragin’ Rhino Tattoo parlor was just down from the Hillbilly Kitchen. Plus, we started using Leanne Shirtliffe’s (aka The Ironic Mom’s) trick of adding “if you know what I mean on the end of every name.

Note: Be sure to read Leanne’s post when you’re done here…it’s stellar. Plus, we like to use the #IYKWIM hashtag on Twitter.

It didn’t matter if it was funny or not, it was hilarious to us.  I mean, you try passing a billboard that says “Ride The Ducks!…if you know what I mean.” Go ahead. Add IYKWIM to all the businesses in this post. (Two words: Coffee. Snort.) You’ll see.

When my Branson-dwelling cousin got to our lodge that night for a fish fry, I demanded to know what was up with the Rowdy Beaver.

He smiled and said, “Oh, it’s got a great bar. But we don’t call it The ‘Rowdy Beaver.’”

I (of course) wanted to know what he did call it, figuring the locals had classed it up a little. He blushed to the roots of his hair and mumbled that he’d tell me later, rolling his eyes toward his parents and the older folk.

Well, if you read the links I put above, you’ve already seen what the “older folk” in my family will discuss. No topic is sacred.

They dragged the Rowdy Beaver scoop out of him in no time: Rather than call it the Rowdy Beaver, Bransonites refer to the place as “The Angry Vagina.” I doubled over laughing at this, staggering around the kitchen. Possibly I tinkled a little.

“What else do you have,” I wheezed. “There’s got to be more.”

“Well,” he says, “we do go over to The Bearded Clam in Kimberling City sometimes.”

I looked at my uncle. “He’s making that up, right?”

My uncle shook his head and said, “It used to be worse before they closed the bait shop next door.”

When I asked what could possibly be worse than naming an eating establishment “The Bearded Clam,” they said the old bait shop was called, “Master Baiters.” Swear. To. God.

And do you know the super-duper worst part of this story? The Bearded Clam is billed as a family restaurant.

Like I said, only in the Bible Belt would there be minds clean enough to eat there without making scads of juvenile jokes (like I would). I’ll bet they all wear Christian Panties for dinner. Amen.

It’s true that my family members aren’t the ones who own these establishments, but still…

When we visited the Lake of the Ozarks, we saw the absolute winner of the Dirty-Minded Signage Award. I still can’t believe anyone would name their hotel this but I guess it does leave an impression on people.

Do you suppose they get a lot of multiple visitors? Or just one good one each night? (Sorry, HAD to go there.)

The name of the place really is Big Dick’s Halfway Inn (you know you’re clicking that link). If you stay at this resort the next time you’re at the Lake of the Ozarks, please write to me about it! Better yet, send me a picture of you next to the sign.

I tell you, this trip put a whole new spin on the “Show Me” state thing. Since most of my people live there, I’ve concluded that I derive from some pervy stock. Who knew, right?

OK, it’s your turn. Do you have some places with signs and such that crack you up? What about if you add “if you know what I mean” on the end? Enquiring minds can’t wait to hear  what you come up down in the comments section!

~ Jenny
(Who is off to laugh her way through the pain at PT.)

Posted in Humor, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , | 24 Comments

Embracing the ‘Ho Bag’ Within: Cities Find that Sex Sells

We all knew that sex sells. I mean, duh. They could have just asked the More Cowbell Posse, or anyone who’s ever watched the Super Bowl. Seattle and Tucson have found out that sex sells public transportation REALLY well.

The City of Tucson launched a new streetcar over the weekend that will always and ever be referred to as The C.L.I.T.T., thanks to some brilliant social media marketing by a guy named David Aguirre. (The new transport is actually called the Sun Link, but who’s gonna remember that now?)

His article on the launch:

Aguirre's (brilliant) spoofed article

Aguirre’s (brilliant) spoofed article

A few weeks back, Aguirre put up a spoofed Facebook page to “raise awareness about the new streetcar.” It’s working in spades (more than 4300 Likes vs 2500+ for the real page), and Tucson city officials are taking the entire prank badly.

What I don’t understand is why they’re not rolling with it. While “Keep Tucson CLITTY” might not have been the marketing slogan they were dreaming of, all this disapproval is just going to make people “embrace The C.L.I.T.T.” further. (Yes, I giggled while I typed that.)

My advice (not that they care):

Take a chill pill, Tucson officials. Enjoy the buzz from all of us dirty-minded folks who are laughing our guts out over Aguirre’s observation that, “Ridership was unexpectedly high as Tucson residents, and visitors, got on, then got off.”

The Sun Link is sure to get extra traffic from those who are hoping for some extra stimulation from riding the C.L.I.T.T. if you know what I mean.

Who wouldn't want one of THESE?

Who wouldn’t want one of THESE?

Seattle went through this with the “Ride the S.L.U.T” campaign around their South Lake Union Trolley. They took it in stride, guzzling up the extra publicity like a triple shot latte. The “Ride the S.L.U.T.” campaign was even on Ellen.

Note: Y’all can get one of these snappy t-shirts on Amazon in black, brown, navy, purple or green if you’re really interested in embracing your inner slut.

The product description reads:

The Original Ride the S.L.U.T. shirt from the Cascade neighborhood in Seattle, home of the South Lake Union Trolley.

You may wonder: can a funny t-shirt really make you more beautiful or handsome? This one can!* Join us in celebrating one of Seattle’s most enduring and endearing jokes, makes a great souvenir or gift. (*results may vary)

You can bet I’ll be sending that shirt to a few of my pals. After all, when I went to New Orleans, I brought home t-shirts that said “Suck the Heads and Pinch the Tails.” That city knows how to market their crawfish!

What’s the best slogan or acronym y’all have seen in your travels? Do you agree with the Tucson officials, or feel like they need to relax? What’s your favorite line in that spoofed article? Enquiring minds always love to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Humor, More Cowbell | Tagged , , , , | 26 Comments

PT Positions Gone Wild: The Dead Bug and the Tabletop

PT Hip Rehab

Reverse the genders and whiten the legs, and there I am!

They’re stepping it up at PT in terms of exercises (and kicking my butt), and yesterday they taught me the “Dead Bug” and the “Tabletop.” Of course the Hubs and I now call that last one the “Table Dancer” because that’s how we roll, but really…


They already have me doing two called the “Backloader” and the “Side-lying clamshell” and I’ve been giggling about those for more than a week.

So I asked my PT guys: “What comes next week, the Cockroach and the Stripper Pole?”

Thankfully, they are amused by me. And they don’t mind if I turn around so that my lily-white “cash and prizes” are not facing the door when I wear shorts. In fact, after the introduction of the six new exercises today (Dead Bug among them), I don’t think I’ll be wearing any loose shorts there ever again.

As I said to them, “My husband hasn’t even seen me from that angle. I promise you, no one else wants to either.”

Note: PT stands for Physical Therapy and it’s what they’re doing to me now that my Cruella days are over.

I’ve decided one of my new missions in life is to see if I can name up a cool new PT exercise. At the very least, I’ve been renaming all the ones I do now to stuff that makes me laugh.

For example:

  • The “Suck It In” (involves sucking your tummy in as hard as you can while laying on your back). And they want you to breathe normally. It really makes no sense to me.
  • Side-lying clamshell (feet together, knees opening like a clam) – I just graduated to using a band for this. p.s. That’s a stretchy band, not a bunch of rockstars who crash my PT. By the way, clamshell is the real name – I couldn’t top it. Ditto with “Dead Bug.”
  • The “Backloader” (on your back, knees bent, heel pressed into table – your foot mimics the backloader that slides dirt toward your butt, one foot at a time).
  • The “A$$ Clench” is exactly what it sounds like – you hold them cheeks together. Tight. For a count of ten. They usually call it the “Glute Squeeze.” My version is: “Do y’all want me to squinch up my butt cheeks now?”

Attractive, no? It’s a good thing these PT guys are hot.

Just for a good visual, here’s the Dead Bug, demonstrated by one of the narrowest men I’ve ever seen. And by the way, they started me off with all the arms going – there was no “working up to it.” Bastards.

Do you have any cool exercise names to share with me? (They don’t have to be real.) Also, any good hip stretches? Enquiring minds need to know these things here at More Cowbell!

~ Jenny

Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged , , , , | 24 Comments

Bastille Day and the Curse of the Summer Flu

Bastille Day

Bastille Day Fireworks – Eiffel Tower

Today is Bastille Day, or French National Day, which commemorates the official start of the French Revolution.

Such a wonderful day and, you’ll soon find out, I couldn’t pay my husband to lay a French kiss on me today.

The holiday is celebrated on 14 July each year. In France, it is formally called La Fête Nationale or Le quatorze juillet. (That would be the fourteenth of July for us non-French speakers).

I was all set to chat it up here at the blog about all the fab things the French have given us (and not just the sexy kissing, wine and fries, although I do love all those things).

I have links to cool health-conscious French recipes and interesting facts about Bastille Day. But…

Somehow, the flu is running around Southern California in freaking July and I have it. Don’t ask me how…all I did was go to PT and the grocery store. I’ve been laid out since last Thursday, flat as a pancake, on nearly every flat surface of our house, including the floor since this flu gives you the spins.

I’m starting to be up, and I promise you, I barely breathed on the monitor while I wrote this. :-)  I just wanted to check in and let y’all know why you haven’t heard much out of me this week.

I’m still doing PT and, since they told me to “come on in” despite the flu, I’m treating the place like a preschool full of three year-olds with the cooties (that would be very carefully, with lots of hand washing).

More from me soon, I promise. I’ll probably be doing exercises like the “Side-lying Clamshell” when you read this. *clutches sides laughing*

Do you have any killer French recipes you’d like to share? Do you celebrate Bastille Day at your house? Are you seeing year-round flu seasons in your neck of the woods? And most important…Do you have any cool names of PT exercises that make you giggle like a teenage boy? Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!


Posted in Health, Holidays | Tagged , , , , | 29 Comments