Dirty-Minded Signage…”If You Know What I Mean”

My PT sadists guys are loving the blog. And since they are getting me to where I can walk again, when they ask for a post I give it! In honor of the helpful crew at California Therapy Solutions, I’m re-running one of my favorite More Cowbell posts of all time. Those of you who missed it the first time deserve your Hump-Day laugh.

If you’ve read about my family’s Almost X-Rated Garage Sales and Gang-Banging Chickens, you’d know we’re just a little bit…off-center. Both sides of my family are filled with peeps who are amazing and hysterically funny. I’m one of those rare souls who LOVES family trips.

The big surprise when I visited Missouri a few years back was all the Dirty-Minded Signage. Only in the Bible Belt could people refer to monikers like this with a straight face.

You’ll see what I mean below.

I’ve gotten used to the Springfield, MO convenience stores that don’t seem to make anyone else pause.

It took me a few visits to take that place in stride.

The first time, I sat in the passenger seat while my husband pumped gas, clutching my sides, pointing at the sign and gasping for air. Maybe it was the little registered trademark symbol they include on the end (like someone’s dying to steal that logo). Maybe it was jetlag.

Then we went to Branson, where the traffic moves SO slow that you have plenty of time to really check the place out.

I was doing  fine until we passed the Rowdy Beaver. (Yeah, for real…and they have MULTIPLE LOCATIONS. The newest is on Dickson Street. I mean, what were they thinking? They couldn’t go a few blocks over to Percy or Main or wherever?)

After that, it was a free for all – we were in hysterics about everything we passed.

The God And Country Theater was across from Billy Bob’s Dairyland. The Ragin’ Rhino Tattoo parlor was just down from the Hillbilly Kitchen. Plus, we started using Leanne Shirtliffe’s (aka The Ironic Mom’s) trick of adding “if you know what I mean on the end of every name.

Note: Be sure to read Leanne’s post when you’re done here…it’s stellar. Plus, we like to use the #IYKWIM hashtag on Twitter.

It didn’t matter if it was funny or not, it was hilarious to us.  I mean, you try passing a billboard that says “Ride The Ducks!…if you know what I mean.” Go ahead. Add IYKWIM to all the businesses in this post. (Two words: Coffee. Snort.) You’ll see.

When my Branson-dwelling cousin got to our lodge that night for a fish fry, I demanded to know what was up with the Rowdy Beaver.

He smiled and said, “Oh, it’s got a great bar. But we don’t call it The ‘Rowdy Beaver.’”

I (of course) wanted to know what he did call it, figuring the locals had classed it up a little. He blushed to the roots of his hair and mumbled that he’d tell me later, rolling his eyes toward his parents and the older folk.

Well, if you read the links I put above, you’ve already seen what the “older folk” in my family will discuss. No topic is sacred.

They dragged the Rowdy Beaver scoop out of him in no time: Rather than call it the Rowdy Beaver, Bransonites refer to the place as “The Angry Vagina.” I doubled over laughing at this, staggering around the kitchen. Possibly I tinkled a little.

“What else do you have,” I wheezed. “There’s got to be more.”

“Well,” he says, “we do go over to The Bearded Clam in Kimberling City sometimes.”

I looked at my uncle. “He’s making that up, right?”

My uncle shook his head and said, “It used to be worse before they closed the bait shop next door.”

When I asked what could possibly be worse than naming an eating establishment “The Bearded Clam,” they said the old bait shop was called, “Master Baiters.” Swear. To. God.

And do you know the super-duper worst part of this story? The Bearded Clam is billed as a family restaurant.

Like I said, only in the Bible Belt would there be minds clean enough to eat there without making scads of juvenile jokes (like I would). I’ll bet they all wear Christian Panties for dinner. Amen.

It’s true that my family members aren’t the ones who own these establishments, but still…

When we visited the Lake of the Ozarks, we saw the absolute winner of the Dirty-Minded Signage Award. I still can’t believe anyone would name their hotel this but I guess it does leave an impression on people.

Do you suppose they get a lot of multiple visitors? Or just one good one each night? (Sorry, HAD to go there.)

The name of the place really is Big Dick’s Halfway Inn (you know you’re clicking that link). If you stay at this resort the next time you’re at the Lake of the Ozarks, please write to me about it! Better yet, send me a picture of you next to the sign.

I tell you, this trip put a whole new spin on the “Show Me” state thing. Since most of my people live there, I’ve concluded that I derive from some pervy stock. Who knew, right?

OK, it’s your turn. Do you have some places with signs and such that crack you up? What about if you add “if you know what I mean” on the end? Enquiring minds can’t wait to hear  what you come up down in the comments section!

~ Jenny
(Who is off to laugh her way through the pain at PT.)

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About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! My passion is finding those qualities that are unique in every person and every piece of fiction. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestorm.wordpress.com). Write on!
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24 Responses to Dirty-Minded Signage…”If You Know What I Mean”

  1. Jennifer says:

    Oh, Jenny, I love your “Christian Panties,” but I must be rather clean minded – I had to think a bit before I got some of these. Until BIG DICK’S HALFWAY INN! Burst out laughing, almost dropped computer on the floor. I’m saving it for my guys when they get home (ages 24, 27 & 59) – thanks!

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Your guys will certainly thank you, Jennifer! This is “dude humor” at it’s finest (i.e. lots of body parts and juvenile guffaws). I tell you, I watched Christian Panties again just for some pure fun entertainment. Sister Myotis SLAYS me.

      Like

  2. John Holton says:

    I have to show these to Mary. She’ll love ‘em.

    There was a hotel somewhere in Door County, Wisconsin called “The Gay Den.” Not funny in itself, but it was on Guy Street. We were all in high school when we saw that, so you can imagine the uproar that caused.

    Oh, and there’s a Chinese restaurant on the street next to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY called Foo King. Mary and I wanted to call and order takeout just so we could hear them say it.

    Like

  3. K.B. Owen says:

    Oh my word! None of the locals blinks an eye at those names?! Maybe they’re innuendo-impaired. Could be something in the water…

    Hope PT goes well, Jenny!

    Like

  4. Sharla Rae says:

    What a hoot, Jen. Once when I went a church bus tour, the youth minister got a game started to calm us rowdy teens down–not exactly calm. He told us to read all the old country highway signs and add, “under the sheets.” Yes, he was a minister. As I read the signs above I couldn’t help tacking that line on. :)

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      That was a hip minister!! I don’t hear about tons of youth leaders like that. A lot more kids would hang out at church with someone who made it so fun. And “Ride the Ducks…under the sheets” is FANTASTIC.

      Like

  5. Several years ago the Kum & Go chain expanded to our little slice of Arkansas (IYKWIM!) Now there’s pretty much one on every corner, each of them fondly (?) referred to “the Jerk & Squirt.” We’re so classy down here it hurts. ;)

    Like

  6. I’ve always loved your sign/family tales. Unfortunately, all I’ve pretty much got is BJ’s Wholesale (and I still occasionally wonder what they’d consider the going wholesale price for a BJ because I’m me). But since that’s everywhere, it’s not nearly that exciting.

    Like

  7. What great fun, Jenny. Wish I had one to add to the list. All we had in Brooklyn were tons of Italian restaurants and Irish bars. The bars were normal like The Duck Inn or Just One Shot and the Italians seem to be obsessed with their mothers … Mama Deluca … Mama Alberto … Gino’s Mom or Mom’s Place. Go figure?? In Southern Florida there is nothing earth shattering to speak of … I mean what can you expect from a state that could allow you to shoot a rifle in Key West and kill someone in Jacksonville … it has to be flatter than Kansas :)

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Every Italian man is supposed to love his mama, so it’s kinda nice they name restaurants after their #1 lady. And Florida is CRAZY FLAT. It’s a wonder they’re not ocean-logged yet. I thought you lived full time up in New York…lucky you getting some sun in the winters. :-)

      Like

  8. jtmcg9000 says:

    Really enjoyed this post.
    This is a funeral home chain in the Buffalo area.

    http://tinyurl.com/ptvyuk2

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      That is out of control! I wonder if they made that up, or if it’s a family name they just couldn’t resist using. The best part is how they’re all formal with the sign. :-)

      Like

  9. Jane Sadek says:

    When we were kids my sister and I would roll in the floor at the signs that said, “Eat at Stuckey’s and get gas!” Haven’t seen a Stuckey’s in a long time, but still giggle at the sign.

    Like

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Jane, I LOVED those signs!! And those were the days when kids were actually allowed to roll all over the backseats and the floor of the car if they wished. Thanks for taking me back. :-)

      Like

  10. Thanks for the laughs, Jenny! Craziness!! I hope you are recovering nicely. :)

    Like

  11. I used to live in a neighborhood called Beaverdale, which included such businesses as Beaver Cleaners and Beaver Mowers. I giggled like a middle-school boy every time we drove by them, which was multiple times over six years.

    Like

  12. Love Love LOve these! I always post them on by facebook page for my blog. Bearded Clam!

    At least Kum and Go sounds like a quickie!

    Like

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