Dirty-Minded Signage…”If You Know What I Mean”

I hosted my WANA pal, Karen McFarland, for an impromptu dinner last Thursday night. She and her hubby are TONS of fun, and she got me telling stories. Specifically, she got me going about my trip to Missouri last year to see my family.

She thought I was maybe embellishing the signs. So, in honor of Karen, I’m re-running this post. All of you who missed it the first time deserve your Monday morning laugh.

If you’ve read about my family’s Almost X-Rated Garage Sales and Gang-Banging Chickens, you’d know we’re just a little bit…off-center. Both sides of my family are filled with peeps who are amazing and hysterically funny. I’m one of those rare souls who LOVE family trips.

The big surprise when I visited last year was all the Dirty-Minded Signage. Only in the Bible Belt could people refer to monikers like this with a straight face.

You’ll see what I mean below.

I’ve gotten used to the Springfield, MO convenience stores that don’t seem to make anyone else pause.

It took me a few visits to take that place in stride.

The first time, I sat in the passenger seat while my husband pumped gas, clutching my sides, pointing at the sign and gasping for air. Maybe it was the little registered trademark symbol they include on the end (like someone’s dying to steal that logo). Maybe it was jetlag.

Then we went to Branson, where the traffic moves SO slow that you have plenty of time to really check the place out.

I was doing  fine until we passed the Rowdy Beaver. (Yeah, for real…and they have MULTIPLE LOCATIONS. The newest is on Dickson Street. I mean, what were they thinking? They couldn’t go a few blocks over to Percy or Main or wherever?)

After that, it was a free for all – we were in hysterics about everything we passed.

The God And Country Theater was across from Billy Bob’s Dairyland. The Ragin’ Rhino Tattoo parlor was just down from the Hillbilly Kitchen. Plus, we started using Leanne Shirtliffe’s (aka The Ironic Mom’s) trick of adding “if you know what I mean on the end of every name.

Note: Be sure to read Leanne’s post when you’re done here…it’s stellar. Plus, we like to use the #IYKWIM hashtag on Twitter.

It didn’t matter if it was funny or not, it was hilarious to us.  I mean, you try passing a billboard that says “Ride The Ducks!…if you know what I mean.” Go ahead. Add IYKWIM to all the businesses in this post. (Two words: Coffee. Snort.) You’ll see.

When my Branson-dwelling cousin got to our lodge that night for a fish fry, I demanded to know what was up with the Rowdy Beaver.

He smiled and said, “Oh, it’s got a great bar. But we don’t call it The ‘Rowdy Beaver.’”

I (of course) wanted to know what he did call it, figuring the locals had classed it up a little. He blushed to the roots of his hair and mumbled that he’d tell me later, rolling his eyes toward his parents and the older folk.

Well, if you read the links I put above, you’ve already seen what the “older folk” in my family will discuss. No topic is sacred.

They dragged the Rowdy Beaver scoop out of him in no time: Rather than call it the Rowdy Beaver, Bransonites refer to the place as “The Angry Vagina.” I doubled over laughing at this, staggering around the kitchen. Possibly I tinkled a little.

“What else do you have,” I wheezed. “There’s got to be more.”

“Well,” he says, “we do go over to The Bearded Clam in Kimberling City sometimes.”

I looked at my uncle. “He’s making that up, right?”

My uncle shook his head and said, “It used to be worse before they closed the bait shop next door.”

When I asked what could possibly be worse than naming an eating establishment “The Bearded Clam,” they said the old bait shop was called, “Master Baiters.” Swear. To. God.

And do you know the super-duper worst part of this story? The Bearded Clam is billed as a family restaurant.

Like I said, only in the Bible Belt would there be minds clean enough to eat there without making scads of juvenile jokes (like I would). I’ll bet they all wear Christian Panties for dinner. Amen.

It’s true that my family members aren’t the ones who own these establishments, but still…

When we visited the Lake of the Ozarks, we saw the absolute winner of the Dirty-Minded Signage Award. I still can’t believe anyone would name their hotel this but I guess it does leave an impression on people.

Do you suppose they get a lot of multiple visitors? Or just one good one each night? (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

The name of the place really is Big Dick’s Halfway Inn (you know you’re clicking that link). If you stay at this resort the next time you’re at the Lake of the Ozarks, please write to me about it!

I tell you, this trip put a whole new spin on the “Show Me” state thing. Since most of my people live there, I’ve concluded that I derive from some pervy stock. Who knew, right?

OK, it’s your turn. Do you have some places with signs and such that crack you up? What about if you add “if you know what I mean” on the end? Enquiring minds can’t wait to hear  what you come up down in the comments section!

Jenny

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About Jenny Hansen

Avid seeker of "more"...More words, more creativity, More Cowbell! My passion is finding those qualities that are unique in every person and every piece of fiction. Founding blogger at Writers In The Storm (http://writersinthestorm.wordpress.com). Write on!
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85 Responses to Dirty-Minded Signage…”If You Know What I Mean”

  1. Just as HILARIOUS the second time around…OMG!!! The Bearded Clam….ROFL!!! Followed by Big Dick’s Halfway Inn….seriously…people names their businesses this stuff. Stellar!!! :-)

  2. I drove through Missouri when I ran away from home took my six week driving vacation. I almost almost stopped to take a pic of the Kum ‘n Go store signage. Why? Because I planned to send it to you. No joke.

    [Hmmm. Gloria sees WTH-were-they-thinking sign and immediately thinks, "Jenny!" Just sayin',,,]

    In Pennsylvania, there is a chain of convenience stores built from one lone store to a lesson in success by the Sheetz brothers. My Texas born husband — with his drawl that turns the “ee” to multi-syllabic — can’t understand why anyone would want to eat there, IYKWIM.

  3. Jane Sadek says:

    Well, you’ve jollied up my morning. About all I can report from Texas is Dickie’s BBQ,IYKWIM.

  4. Gilliad Stern says:

    Haha, awesome. I’m from Missouri originally and I can easily believe people would name thier businesses like this. Different stock we have from there. Gotta love the two mile-an-hour traffic in Branson as well.

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Ahhhhh, you’ve driven in the Branson traffic, I see. :-) Yep, they’ve got roadside hotels like the Du-Kum-Inn off I-44…and they wonder why people think they’re odd. I’m just sayin…

  5. gingercalem says:

    What a lovely way to start my day! Hee hee! And, I’m so glad you got to spend an evening with the lovely Karen. Jealous.

    Ok, here’s my contribution to this topic. We had a hilarious (to me of the dirty mind) sign right here in our little town. Some other people might have thought the same thing I did because the sign has been redone and it’s better but still …

    Ok, maybe it’s some sort of water place where you get those large 5-gallons of water jugs. I don’t even know, which proves the sign/name is not good advertising. It’s call H20 to GO. But picture this large sign with a very little, hardly noticeable ’2′ … now it’s a great place called HO to GO.

    Brwwaahahaha!

  6. K.B. Owen says:

    Oh. My. Word. I remember this post! Sooo glad you ran it again. Your family is a HOOT and a half! “The Angry Vagina” *shaking head, clutching sides* – that’s going to stay with me for a long time…

    So glad that you and Karen got to connect up! Hope I get the chance to see ya, too! If that brother-in-law of mine ever decides on a wedding day…
    By the way, this post got me to thinking (here I go again) about businesses that are lagging in this economy; maybe a name change would boost sales, ya know?

    Dairy Queen: Stop & Lick
    Pizza Hut: Saucy Mounds
    Bowling Alley: Score-A-Lane
    Lottery Scratch-Offs: Rub-For-Bucks
    Pumpkin Patch: Hay Rollin’

    IYKWIM

    I’m sure there are better ones out there, but I’m still waking up….

    Oops, better get back to my WIP (IYKWIM). Okay, I’ll stop now. :D

  7. Those exist? Too funny! I’m trying to think of equivalents up here. Well, our national emblem/animal is the beaver, IYKWIM. In Calgary, there used to be two stores side-by-side: “Just for Lovers” (adult content) and “Doggie Style” (pet grooming), IYKWIM.

    Oh, and you know I like linky love, IYKWIM. Thank you.

  8. r.a.thrift says:

    Don’t forget “Dirty Dick’s Crab House” in Nag Head, NC where the motto is “I got my crabs at Dirty Dick’s!”

  9. I am DYING! Seriously dying!!!! Much better than the Jesus Saves Taco Stand in San Antonio or How Firm a Foundation Church. Not weird you say? What if I told you it was in trailer? On blocks.

  10. Julie Glover says:

    Oh my gosh! ROFL. My father has told me about a road sign that used to exist on a Texas highway which advertised a Comfort Inn. Nearby towns were named Louise and Edna, and the sign read, “Sleep in Comfort between Edna and Louise.”

    I also crack up every time I drive between Houston and San Antonio and see a certain Buc-ee’s sign. I can’t even remember what it says now. I will be sure to pull over and take a picture just for you next time, Jenny. But there are other Buc-ee’s convenience store signs that advertise their Beaver Nuggets and their Hot Roasted Nuts.

  11. zkullis says:

    Laughing My Halfway Inn off! That is fantastic!

    There isn’t much around where I live, but I do remember driving through central Utah, and passing through “Fillmore” and shortly after driving through “Beaver”. You can’t make this stuff up.

    My favorite up there was the Bearded Clam Lounge & Eatery. Seriously, that is SO funny! When I lived in Mexico, we used to joke with people about the Ceviche (raw fish dish) made from Almeja Peluda (bearded clam). The Spanish version works just as well as the English.

    I was always told I was a cunning linguist. ;)

    Speaking of people (this will be short, I promise) not thinking about the implications of what they do, check out this weatherman.

    Thanks for the Monday laugh Jenny!

  12. tomwisk says:

    Hilarious. The only thing I can contribute is an oldie from Playboy taken in my hometown. The sign read: “Family Planning. Entry in rear.” The creepy factor is the place was located near a city swimming pool, usually crowded with kids and the building was before and is now a Evangelical church. Thanks for the giggles.

  13. Patricia says:

    Well, I’ve never actually seen them, but I hear the Amish have some crazy named places too, especially in Pennyslvania. And I know for a fact that there’s a Climax North Carolina because I’ve been there – if you know what I mean. No, I’ve really been to Climax North Carolina. Don’t believe me? Look it up. People live there. Kids go to school there. Maybe Big Dick should think of branching out into North Carolina. Can you see that? Big Dick’s halfway inn at Climax. (if you know what I mean.)

    And speaking of Big Dick, is it possible that Big Dick is soooo big that he can only fit halfway in? Or maybe he’s just a perpetual tease – if you know what I mean. Wonder if the fishing’s any good there?

    And I would eat at the bearded clam. Probably wouldn’t have a hot dog – if you know what I mean – but I’d give it a try.

    Oh the fun times.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

  14. Drop by the Outer Banks sometime… I believe it’s in Nags Head where you’ll see the big billboard: “I got my crabs at Dirty Dick’s.”

  15. BAHAHAHAHA! I just finished reading this out loud to my DH. Too funny! As Patricia/Jansen said, the Amish do have some interesting name choices in PA. We tee heed our way through Intercourse, IFYKWIM.

  16. Diana Beebe says:

    I have no words. I can’t even make it through all the comments without laughing and crying!

  17. Karen McFarland says:

    He, he, he Jenny! Did I get your brain going or what? Holy Cowbell girlfriend. See what you started? By the way, hubby and I are still talking about those yummy figs. We loved the whole evening. Thank you very much! It flew by fast.

    I am currently working on a loaner, which I am so happy since as I said, hubby’s keyboard is horrible. But he doesn’t really use it for writing. I have to say that I love the loaner. They gave me a Vaio, a version that feels like I’m typing on a Mac with lit keys. Pretty cool. So they can take their sweet old time fixing my computer. LOL!

    Sorry, but at this time of night, my brain is fried and I cannot for the life of me contribute to this party. But I think you got some hilarious response. Right on! :)

    And thank you very much for the mention today!
    {{Hugs!}}

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      Nice! We have a keyboard you can use if you need it, and a few more figs. The tangerines are coming next, if you know what I mean. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

      Susie Lindau’s in town if you think you’ll be in a place to do that on Thursday…I’m guessing not. Sending you the most amazing vibes EVER this week!!!

      • Karen McFarland says:

        Serious? Figs… and a keyboard? Now how can I resist? I’m all over that one!!

        Yes, Susie did send out an email last week. I can’t see me making the track up to L.A. this week. I’m still in recovery from the last week. LOL!

        Do me a favor will you? Can you please email me your phone number girl? I promise not to abuse the privilege. :)

  18. Hmm…a minnow shot at the Halfway Inn? Does Big Dick maybe have a grander opinion of himself than he should….IYKWIM. Per usual, I haven’t had enough sleep, so my mind is totally in the gutter…which is why I’m taking my fingers OFF the keyboard now. I think I would really like your family, Jenny. :)

  19. ROFL. Thank you so much for reviving this post, Jenny. Your family rocks.

  20. Well thanks a lot. Another perfectly good keyboard ruined. Coffee spit all over it. You and Chuck Wending. *grumble grumble* LOL

    Reviewing the Christian Panties post…I have to wonder what Catholic Panties would have to be like. Hmmm….

    • Jenny Hansen says:

      You’re so welcome!! And I can’t believe you used my name and Chuck Wendig in a sentence!! *I just squeed*

      Anyway, did you realize you left comment #69 to this post? That’s some serious talent, sister. :-)

  21. A friend of mine bought a hobby shop a few years ago. The building was mustard yellow and in bright, bold red colors it said “The Hobby Shop- toys for men and boys”… I told him he might attract the wrong kind of clientele. (They sold model planes, trains, etc). Maybe it’s just me and my dirty mind, but that’s not at all what I thought they sold when I saw the sign.

  22. Dawn says:

    Jenny, I can’t believe you didn’t see a sign for “The Horny Toad” in the Lake of the Ozarks! Yeah, it never gets old for hubs and me to comment on that each time we pass by….

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